Many things are happening around the planet right as I write, and by the time someone lays eyes in this lines a million others are going to be already part of history, the world seems to get faster by the second, and at first a thought it was due to growing up (and growing a bit old), my perception of time it´s [of course]completely different than when I was a child, days seemed endless then, and a year or two were, literally, a lifetime. Today I´m starting to reconnect with the world, and it is not that I have unplugged myself from technology, just the opposite, it is just that I have recently started to watch the news, current affairs that a few months ago were just stories somebody would comment in a table are now images that hit my head and ears and certainly smash my brain.
I should start explain why I stopped watching news on the first place, however, for that, just like always, I have to go a bit behind, to build a proper foundation for my story; I´m an architect, and not just that, I studied in a Technological Institute, surrounded by engineers, imagine how important structure is for my fellow colleagues that graduated from the same school.
The first time I went to therapy was at around 17 years old, that I remember, I think I went as a preschooler, I was a diagnosed hyperactive child, so, I needed to channel energy and also look out for peace I guess, and my parents did their part and took me there, to play with wooden toys and to start building structures, to structure my mind and thus, my life. But the meaningful sessions were at 17, 18, and 19, she was a psychiatrist, not that I was out of control or anything, none of that, it was just that she was recommended and happened to be a therapist that studied psychiatry, I think it was better, she knew a lot more and she never recommended any medication, I mean, I was already taking one since I was like 6, do the math, and I stopped taking it till I was 27, when the doctor said, "OK, from here it´s up to you. Do yoga, run, workout, burn all the energy you need so you can have a good night sleep", and I did, today I´m training for another half marathon in a couple of months and plan to run the Berlin Marathon this year.
My therapy started because I was confused, the first thing that the doctor said was, "this therapy is to help you through whatever you are feeling and don´t know how to deal with. This is just a tool, not a remedy, and if you are gay you will leave this sessions happy and satisfied with yourself, if not, exactly the same. The point is to help you feel sure about whatever you are feeling unsure about", it sounded good for me, and it was, I left that period of therapy with the gay issue completely solved and I was ready to move on to different and more twisted matter, like commitment and the cocooned and indifferent attitude I sometimes had towards some people I knew and were important to me; I´m different know, but at some point I would have adviced you to store anything you needed to keep cold, you know, like a turkey for thanksgiving or a bottle of vodka, in my frozen soul. Really, I know there is a legion of skeptical people about therapy, but for me did wonders.
Along life I have had other therapists in the places I have resided, different "schools" and methodologies, confrontational was harsh, it would rub all my shit right on the face and then the therapist would laugh and would say something like "Ándele que bueno por culero!", kick me when already in the floor (emotionally talking) and then would lift me up, clean me up, help me compose myself and give me a free session of acupuncture, those were the days.
Then I was also with this other therapist that was a sweetheart, jewish, like a mother figure (starting wrong I know), and she would help me deal with the death of my little brother, that happened when I was 6 years old, but that kept buried under tons of really unnecessary topics, al, of them I fortunately melted away in the previous periods of therapy, so, when I arrived to my first appointment I decided I was going to deal with that first, because it was already there, out in the air, nothing to cover it up, and I did, cried my heart out the first sessions, but know I smile every time I think of him, in a healthy loving brotherly way. That issue solved I passed to more dark stuff, that I also got over with.
It was with this therapist that I address one subject that would hurt, not being able to help the entire world, not on a I-Am-Miss-Universe-and-I-Want-Peace-On-Earth sort of way, more like Oh-My-God-I-Live-In-A-Place-Where-Misery-And-Wealth-Cohabit-Shoulder-To-Shoulder-And-I-End-Up-Cashless-Because-I-Give-It-To-All-The-Poor-Kids-That-Come-To-Me-And-Ask-For-Money-To-Eat sort of way. I will not enter in details, I just will say she was pretty helpful, and although I still think there is a huge lack of justice and an awful distribution of wealth in the world, I´m in peace with the roll I need to play in the wheel of fortune of life, being fair with others, but especially with me and who I am in the world. The problem was that every time, after watching the news I would have this knot in my stomach and I would be choked with worry, now sick, but enough to turn my colorful days a bit sepia for the next hour, so she recommended me to stop watching news, reading newspapers (except for the cultural sections and the sunday comics) and getting overwhelmed by the repetition of news on the news channels (after a day of having the same channel on as background music you end up exhausted for the four tragedies they completely massacred into your psyche the last 10 hours). So I did, no news at all, I would read Vanity Fair and Dwell Magazine, and of course I would know about the most important international issues, like hurricanes and earthquakes, but I would not bother with Silvio Berlusconi´s affair with a 17 year old girl, that proceeded into his divorced with a huge millions of euros deal, and his incarcelation for fraud and manipulation of evidence and stuff, I rather read the whole story from the beginning to end, no suspense there, I would release myself from stress, I could only handle Dexter and Mad Men stress, the real one not so much.
Now after years of ignoring political scandals and the imprisonment of movie stars, social personalities and known people in general I decided to come to the light, or the dark, I´m not quite sure yet, being aware of the mess that politicians, terrorists and other species have done with my planet, it´s just kind of sad, really there is no way to smooth the edges, I do my best to cope with the disaster of weather, poverty and diplomatic relations, I would not dare to give an opinion on that, and I have it, I do, but feels unsafe now with this horrible fact that there are eyes and ears everywhere, and just because some guy with glasses who shall not me named let everybody know about it doesn´t mean it stopped, it just means that we know and that that feeling of being observed wash´t just me crazy with delusions of persecution, it was that I was actually being observed, although I I have to confess that I am the tie that likes to be seen… Is that wrong?
I watch the news and I´m speechless, not only for the lack of air due to the impression, it is that I try to deal with it in silence, no suffering in my life just because someone else was dumb enough to let his or her´s dishonesty out in the sun, "A pleine soleil" like they say in France, or because some news company chose to cover it and made us feel like there was nothing else but that, and that this was our asteroid hitting the planet, an unfaithful president to his mistress with a younger actress was the end of the world. No huh, I rather keep my path, I know there are crumbles of what was an ideal life on earth here and there, but I decide to start building my life as beautiful, fair and colorful as possible, with the tools my parents gave me and the tools I paid for in therapy.
No comments:
Post a Comment