So I liked to have a little control of everything so what! I remember when I was 15 and organizing the squared things (things, whatever I would posses) in 45ยบ angle in relation to the drawing unit in my bedroom, and turning the volume up or down in multiples of 5, although multiples of 10 were preferable, but that was just too loud or too low for my ears, at the end I would have to compromise and have it in multiples of 5. I was a real mess back then, whatever I could control outside of my skin I would and I did. Then the therapy days arrived and everything was different and then having all catalogued around me didn´t seem to appealing anymore, I was busy organizing the mess I had in the attic and basement of my head.
There have been times in life when I thought everything was done for good, once I was diagnosed with a tumor of the size of my fist (I have a big fist), it was growing inside me and then everything seemed so fragile, I went back home and afterwards to school and kept studying and acting as if nothing was happening, although it was, but I got over that, one tumor down and I was released from treatment, although I get regular check ups every year now. Then there was this time when I was pleasantly flying to Istanbul from LAX via Charles de Gaulle and the plane started to shake up bad, and then more bad, and then worse and after a while we were praying for our lives, emergency exits ready to pop up an all; I started calming down my sister by reassuring her that everything was Ok and that it was completely normal, but after more than an hour of being in a blender one of the stewardesses passed by our row pale as a raw flour tortilla and with watery eyes and it was then when I got scared, I will not elaborate more, but a started reassuring my sister that she had an amazing life to that point, she had travelled around the world (even though she was super young), she had had sex, she had loved, she had had a beautiful life and that´s it, everything got worse than five minutes before, we were kind of out of control for a little while and it felt like centuries, but at some point everything stopped, the pilots gained control of the craft and ten minutes later we were landing safe at Istanbul´s airport. I was never more happy to be stepping feet over ground, I was in an exotic place (it was to me) I had always dreamed of and was ready to start living again, all the passengers screaming and crying in the plane got me very tired, but I was loving every minute of my life since then.
I can not say that I had a near-death experience whatsoever, nevertheless those two events have sculpted a part of who I am now, I did not see any light at the end of a tunnel, yet I know what it is to fear a disastrous tragic accident or a long painful agony, just the fear of them makes something shift inside one´s body, it affects the mind, the heart and the entire body, your whole system resets and even though one acts as if it wash´t a big thing, life starts to slow down and makes everything around infinitely more appreciative, every day the sun comes up is a present one´s very happy to receive.
There are occasions when I forget that, just because some driver in front of me takes longer to press gas in a green light I get angry, I keep in that mood for another few minutes and I may even say something hurtful to somebody I care about around me just to decompress; afterwards I stop, take a breath and see how minuscule and microscopic this is in comparison, I relax and thank that I get mad at small things sometimes and forget what I have experienced, I try to recover, say sorry and move on, recovering memory of what I´ve been through.
I don´t say that everything has to be measured by that scale, the scale of death I mean, because at the end it hash´t happened to me yet, I obviously would´t be here if that would had happened, but it puts things in perspective and makes you appreciate more, not just life and rain and rainbows and unicorns and little kitties and bunnies and stuff, but the silly little things as well. Once I said to a special person that was distressing because of a solvable thing that as for me, I start from the place where I have nothing, nothing belongs to me, not even the material properties I have payed for, and from then on, whatever comes is a great gift, an unexpected bonus from life, then we smiled and looked for a way to solve things out.
I´m not saying that one should accept a smack in the mouth and then offer one of the chicks for the next one either, I could not hang on to that not even once. I say one has to fight for justice as to fight for life, I have always been a pretty healthy guy, I smoked cigarettes for a few years, but not for long and I donut do it now of course, but I have never done drugs (not that I think they are wrong, they are not just for me) and I barely drink, as soon as I knew a tumor was inside me I started drinking green tea like crazy and eating almost exclusively greens and making this green shake I still have for breakfast four or five times per week. One has to stand for oneself, it is also bad karma if you allow other people abuse of you, your work or anything that´s related to you making you feel taken advantage of, one has to speak and accuse if necessary, yeah, someone may say "welcome to the kinder garden" but I really don´t care, if I don´t get my way at least I´m not going to let anyone abuse me or someone I love, it is not about abusing the potential abuser, it is about letting the abuser know you know that he knows that you know who the abuser is… basically… as tongue twister(ish) as it sounds. At the end is about you riding your machine at the gym placidly knowing you didn´t just let a stranger step over you, after that you keep going with your cardio session, then weight lifting and then some cardio to end and then home.
One does not need to be on the edge of death to wake up, but some of us need some help to get in perspective in life. I´m happy I passed through a rough time studying architecture, keeping great grades, developing the best projects, maintaining a relationship together and staying calmed, while having biopsies and tests, treatments and eventually surgery, and more treatment afterwards. I´m glad I took the plane to Istanbul, that turbulence didn´t just shake the plane, it shacked my brain as well, also my heart and certainly my will to enjoy every single minute of the rest of my life, as long or short it shall be.
There have been times in life when I thought everything was done for good, once I was diagnosed with a tumor of the size of my fist (I have a big fist), it was growing inside me and then everything seemed so fragile, I went back home and afterwards to school and kept studying and acting as if nothing was happening, although it was, but I got over that, one tumor down and I was released from treatment, although I get regular check ups every year now. Then there was this time when I was pleasantly flying to Istanbul from LAX via Charles de Gaulle and the plane started to shake up bad, and then more bad, and then worse and after a while we were praying for our lives, emergency exits ready to pop up an all; I started calming down my sister by reassuring her that everything was Ok and that it was completely normal, but after more than an hour of being in a blender one of the stewardesses passed by our row pale as a raw flour tortilla and with watery eyes and it was then when I got scared, I will not elaborate more, but a started reassuring my sister that she had an amazing life to that point, she had travelled around the world (even though she was super young), she had had sex, she had loved, she had had a beautiful life and that´s it, everything got worse than five minutes before, we were kind of out of control for a little while and it felt like centuries, but at some point everything stopped, the pilots gained control of the craft and ten minutes later we were landing safe at Istanbul´s airport. I was never more happy to be stepping feet over ground, I was in an exotic place (it was to me) I had always dreamed of and was ready to start living again, all the passengers screaming and crying in the plane got me very tired, but I was loving every minute of my life since then.
I can not say that I had a near-death experience whatsoever, nevertheless those two events have sculpted a part of who I am now, I did not see any light at the end of a tunnel, yet I know what it is to fear a disastrous tragic accident or a long painful agony, just the fear of them makes something shift inside one´s body, it affects the mind, the heart and the entire body, your whole system resets and even though one acts as if it wash´t a big thing, life starts to slow down and makes everything around infinitely more appreciative, every day the sun comes up is a present one´s very happy to receive.
There are occasions when I forget that, just because some driver in front of me takes longer to press gas in a green light I get angry, I keep in that mood for another few minutes and I may even say something hurtful to somebody I care about around me just to decompress; afterwards I stop, take a breath and see how minuscule and microscopic this is in comparison, I relax and thank that I get mad at small things sometimes and forget what I have experienced, I try to recover, say sorry and move on, recovering memory of what I´ve been through.
I don´t say that everything has to be measured by that scale, the scale of death I mean, because at the end it hash´t happened to me yet, I obviously would´t be here if that would had happened, but it puts things in perspective and makes you appreciate more, not just life and rain and rainbows and unicorns and little kitties and bunnies and stuff, but the silly little things as well. Once I said to a special person that was distressing because of a solvable thing that as for me, I start from the place where I have nothing, nothing belongs to me, not even the material properties I have payed for, and from then on, whatever comes is a great gift, an unexpected bonus from life, then we smiled and looked for a way to solve things out.
I´m not saying that one should accept a smack in the mouth and then offer one of the chicks for the next one either, I could not hang on to that not even once. I say one has to fight for justice as to fight for life, I have always been a pretty healthy guy, I smoked cigarettes for a few years, but not for long and I donut do it now of course, but I have never done drugs (not that I think they are wrong, they are not just for me) and I barely drink, as soon as I knew a tumor was inside me I started drinking green tea like crazy and eating almost exclusively greens and making this green shake I still have for breakfast four or five times per week. One has to stand for oneself, it is also bad karma if you allow other people abuse of you, your work or anything that´s related to you making you feel taken advantage of, one has to speak and accuse if necessary, yeah, someone may say "welcome to the kinder garden" but I really don´t care, if I don´t get my way at least I´m not going to let anyone abuse me or someone I love, it is not about abusing the potential abuser, it is about letting the abuser know you know that he knows that you know who the abuser is… basically… as tongue twister(ish) as it sounds. At the end is about you riding your machine at the gym placidly knowing you didn´t just let a stranger step over you, after that you keep going with your cardio session, then weight lifting and then some cardio to end and then home.
One does not need to be on the edge of death to wake up, but some of us need some help to get in perspective in life. I´m happy I passed through a rough time studying architecture, keeping great grades, developing the best projects, maintaining a relationship together and staying calmed, while having biopsies and tests, treatments and eventually surgery, and more treatment afterwards. I´m glad I took the plane to Istanbul, that turbulence didn´t just shake the plane, it shacked my brain as well, also my heart and certainly my will to enjoy every single minute of the rest of my life, as long or short it shall be.
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