Looking… In third person and the love for music and memories

One usually plays music to create an ideal atmosphere for anything in special and everything in particular. It´s not hard to choose the selection, in this world plagued with different styles and artists, the proposals are countless, and the options as varied as the heads in a major metropolis. Of course the favorites are usually favored, in this case the selection started with Empire of the Sun, Ice on the Dune the album, the first track skipped to get to the point a few minutes prior and whatever was in mind, that by that time felt imminent, suddenly fades to the coast of California in Newport Beach, blue sky with some clouds and a sun that feels like silk in the middle of the day, and that tastes like ambrosia when in the middle of winter in Paris at dusk.

The occasions where a sound records in one´s head like a tattoo in the skin are not plenty. Empire of the Sun is about Orange County, not about Australia or Coachella, the first accords of the band where played loud as the door opened in the best friend´s apartment, the roommate (now one of the very special friends) with flawless taste did not hesitate in press play and pump up the volume, the music was worth every risk of being deft when very old; the basic memory: getting in, stopping for recognition of the voice, the tone and the electronic effects and other instruments, nothing like this before, the best gift of that weekend, getting to have one more favorite band or artist that would put inspiration in motion. All of Empire of the Sun is worth loving, the memories are specially triggered by We Are The People, with a vision of white african-like tents lighten low from the inside, the twelve of them scattered in a Vineyard in Ensenada in the middle of the night, 1 am, out loud and the main wooden structure that serves as dining area and common place brings life to the darkness that embraces, it is the hotel Cuatro Cuatros and one gets goosebumps; DNA from the second album brings California to mind, not because it was listened there the first time, but because the sound will always refer to there, near the Pacific Highway, very close to the water and where the sun feels like silk in the middle of the day.

After Queer As Folk folded up its last season, many members of the gay community felt a little orphan, I would call it that, not that the show had a motherly spirit whatsoever, but it was nice to see ourselves projected, even though it was pretty surreal at times, but at the end it was very aspirational for many, served as an introductory televised course into homosexuality for some, caricaturized for some opinions (it was crazy sometimes how Brian Kinney was this one sided bitch addicted to sex with barely legals, fighting to hide his feeling at any cost) but it entertained us for good five seasons.

The 19th of january was the first aired episode of HBO´s original series Looking, a gay themed series with Jonathan Groff (Glee), Frankie J. Alvarez and Murray Bartlett (you may remember this beautiful show dealer Oliver Spencer in Sex & The City, one episode character, but handsome and charming enough to me remembered) in charge of the main characters. Episode 1 felt OK, weird but OK, like a first date with an anticipated person that has been promised to be with you since months ago. General critics were good, for the viewers (the opinion of a selected group of "conoceurs" in the subject was taken in count) the episode felt like a good approach but a rough scratch in the surface of the characters. In general the time was perceived as short and the proposal like breve, but all in all it was a good launch to a new series, it let the audience wanting to know more.

Three episodes in (episode 3 "Looking into your browser history" will air the 1st of february 2014) and things are getting interesting. Patrick (played by Jonathan Groff) does not look like a dumb insecure and provincial little boy abducted from an all boys school in the mid 80s, insecurities and will to succeed enter the scene and he doesn´t look just khaki with a shirt of squares; The life of Agustin (Frankie J. Alvares) suffers an existential set back and a major change that puts his artistic talent and his restlessness in motion; and Dom (Murray Bartlett) gets the courage to take the steps he has been postponing, by having an acquaintance from the past eating in his table and pushing the right buttons.

The veils of formality and perfection are falling as we get to know these men in San Francisco trying to make a living and fighting to have a life where everything seems in set, but where all is infected by holes and weak foundations; nothing is what it seems, in the words of Geri Halliwell, "what you see ain´t what you are getting", in a good way, writers show just enough to make viewers look forward for the next episode and let know that appearances are not what they seem to be.

In general the show feels real, the use of locations instead of scenography makes the film effect believable, while the make-up (or lack of it), make the characters approachable and far more relatable (in QAF, Brian Kinney had no pores or expression lines whatsoever and Michael Novotny no trace of fat in his body); it is good to show what the audience wants to become, although, showing who they really are in bone and flesh hits to the heart like one of Cupid´s arrows.

So far so good, new characters make appearance and this story, that felt like pizza dough in the first minutes on the air, starts to get spiced up, lets see what all this cooking turns into.

And the lottery winning numbers are...

This is the first time I have a blog, I really didn´t know how it was going to go and to be honest, I´m still trying to figure out what this whole thing is about. It certainly is a therapeutic act you know, decompress through words everything we have in mind, also, let know the world that you are thinking, I mean, we all are, right? some more than others, at the end I guess I did this because I wanted to put out in the universe my words, my lines, my phrases and all the silly and important (at least to me) things that crossed my mind. First inspired by a friend with a try specific purpose, I thought I was going to talk about the things I know, but less and less happen that, I´m starting to speak about the things I remember and the unknown as well, some of the ones I know, although I´m here to learn, in the blog and in life, I´m sure we can always do our best to know as much as possible, but we learn something new every day, tiny little lesson or a big deal.

I consider myself a very lucky guy, I always wish I´d win the lottery and suddenly become ultra rich, not to splurge in materialistic stuff, but more to help and to travel. What first comes to mind when I imagine I win, lets say, 50 million dollars, it´s a fund to start building dwelling for the homeless in the poorest areas, first starting in Mexico and then extending to the rest of the world, not just with my resources, but gathering as much as help and donations possible from others as fortunate as me (lets make as if I just won the lottery in this paragraph of curse). Then it is a great trip around the world. I have a cousin that teaches english and spanish, she´s really good at it, one of his students since long ago even speaks perfect mexican spanish with a bit of a Sinaloa accent, not that I´m saying that having a northern Mexico accent is cool, but it is great that she is so good at speaking spanish (thanks to her work as student, but also thanks to my cousin for her wonderful work as teacher) that she could easily pass by one mexican from a certain part of the country. Well, she is usually hired by a very luxurious Cruise company, she´s been lucky to be in those awesome ships to Alaska, South America, the Mediterranean and more. One time she told me about this cruise that leaves out of LA and travels around the world towards Asia all the way to London!! What about that? it is a 105 days trip, I know, a lot of tim, but I would definitely take my family and close friends to that trip, I would pay their debt first and see who can do it, for my grandparents I would else bring a doctor, not that they are sick or anything, they are perfect, I just want to make sure that they are covered in every way and feel relaxed about their health. So, this cruise leaves LA and goes to Hawaii, then Japan, China, South East Asia, India, Than the coast of Africa, you know, Zanzibar and Madagascar and stuff, then South Africa and afterwards all the way up to the other coast of Africa, the Canarias Isllands, Morocco, Portugal, Spain, France and at the end, good old London; what about a trip, right? obviously I would pay a good room with big windows and I would bring the two cats and the little bitch, and I would workout at least five times per week, I mean, this is a very fancy cruise, but they still have this All-You-Can-Eat modality in most of the restaurants, and I have a very sweet teeth, and I really like good food, so, I´d rather run and workout a lot and eat without guilt; I´d make my green shake at least four times a week, I like it, it´s not just that I take it to be thin and healthy, I actually like the favor and the way it makes me feel, I will post the recipe later in another post.

That´s what I would do, would´t splurge in super expensive possessions a lot, I rather invest in experiences, and make my entire family happy, including my grandparents, I love them so much and they would love that trip. 105 days to just relax and have a good time. 

I think we all dream of having this "Hit of fortune", however it presents, you know, lottery, unknown millionaire relative leaving everything to us or finding a treasure (this one demands more work, but I would also like it). Fortune works in so many ways, some times we don´t imagine how, but it could be saving us from an accident, that is the lottery of life, I think I have been lucky in that way, I´ve been afraid of some decease and I´m still here, healthy writing this lines and thanking the universe for keeping me in this world and have the things I need and wish (with measure, the lottery winning ticket will come soon enough to enjoy it and make the projects and dreams come true), be in a place I´ve always wanted to live in, enjoying love, friends, pets, family, working out, sunrises and sunsets, beaches and also traveling. 

For all that I´m grateful. 

I will not write long today, I´ve checked and some posts have been pretty intense in terms of amount of words, and I don´d want to tire anybody that´s privileging me with the attention and time to pass an eye to the things I have to say… Not that I do not have a lot to say, but I will save it for tomorrow. 

In an Air France flight from LAX to Istanbul via Paris never too many years ago

So I liked to have a little control of everything so what! I remember when I was 15 and organizing the squared things (things, whatever I would posses) in 45º angle in relation to the drawing unit in my bedroom, and turning the volume up or down in multiples of 5, although multiples of 10 were preferable, but that was just too loud or too low for my ears, at the end I would have to compromise and have it in multiples of 5. I was a real mess back then, whatever I could control outside of my skin I would and I did. Then the therapy days arrived and everything was different and then having all catalogued around me didn´t seem to appealing anymore, I was busy organizing the mess I had in the attic and basement of my head.

There have been times in life when I thought everything was done for good, once I was diagnosed with a tumor of the size of my fist (I have a big fist), it was growing inside me and then everything seemed so fragile, I went back home and afterwards to school and kept studying and acting as if nothing was happening, although it was, but I got over that, one tumor down and I was released from treatment, although I get regular check ups every year now. Then there was this time when I was pleasantly flying to Istanbul from LAX via Charles de Gaulle and the plane started to shake up bad, and then more bad, and then worse and after a while we were praying for our lives, emergency exits ready to pop up an all; I started calming down my sister by reassuring her that everything was Ok and that it was completely normal, but after more than an hour of being in a blender one of the stewardesses passed by our row pale as a raw flour tortilla and with watery eyes and it was then when I got scared, I will not elaborate more, but a started reassuring my sister that she had an amazing life to that point, she had travelled around the world (even though she was super young), she had had sex, she had loved, she had had a beautiful life and that´s it, everything got worse than five minutes before, we were kind of out of control for a little while and it felt like centuries, but at some point everything stopped, the pilots gained control of the craft and ten minutes later we were landing safe at Istanbul´s airport. I was never more happy to be stepping feet over ground, I was in an exotic place (it was to me) I had always dreamed of and was ready to start living again, all the passengers screaming and crying in the plane got me very tired, but I was loving every minute of my life since then.

I can not say that I had a near-death experience whatsoever, nevertheless those two events have sculpted a part of who I am now, I did not see any light at the end of a tunnel, yet I know what it is to fear a disastrous tragic accident or a long painful agony, just the fear of them makes something shift inside one´s body, it affects the mind, the heart and the entire body, your whole system resets and even though one acts as if it wash´t a big thing, life starts to slow down and makes everything around infinitely more appreciative, every day the sun comes up is a present one´s very happy to receive.

There are occasions when I forget that, just because some driver in front of me takes longer to press gas in a green light I get angry, I keep in that mood for another few minutes and I may even say something hurtful to somebody I care about around me just to decompress; afterwards I stop, take a breath and see how minuscule and microscopic this is in comparison, I relax and thank that I get mad at small things sometimes and forget what I have experienced, I try to recover, say sorry and move on, recovering memory of what I´ve been through.

I don´t say that everything has to be measured by that scale, the scale of death I mean, because at the end it hash´t happened to me yet, I obviously would´t be here if that would had happened, but it puts things in perspective and makes you appreciate more, not just life and rain and rainbows and unicorns and little kitties and bunnies and stuff, but the silly little things as well. Once I said to a special person that was distressing because of a solvable thing that as for me, I start from the place where I have nothing, nothing belongs to me, not even the material properties I have payed for, and from then on, whatever comes is a great gift, an unexpected bonus from life, then we smiled and looked for a way to solve things out.

I´m not saying that one should accept a smack in the mouth and then offer one of the chicks for the next one either, I could not hang on to that not even once. I say one has to fight for justice as to fight for life, I have always been a pretty healthy guy, I smoked cigarettes for a few years, but not for long and I donut do it now of course, but I have never done drugs (not that I think they are wrong, they are not just for me) and I barely drink, as soon as I knew a tumor was inside me I started drinking green tea like crazy and eating almost exclusively greens and making this green shake I still have for breakfast four or five times per week. One has to stand for oneself, it is also bad karma if you allow other people abuse of you, your work or anything that´s related to you making you feel taken advantage of, one has to speak and accuse if necessary, yeah, someone may say "welcome to the kinder garden" but I really don´t care, if I don´t get my way at least I´m not going to let anyone abuse me or someone I love, it is not about abusing the potential abuser, it is about letting the abuser know you know that he knows that you know who the abuser is… basically… as tongue twister(ish) as it sounds. At the end is about you riding your machine at the gym placidly knowing you didn´t just let a stranger step over you, after that you keep going with your cardio session, then weight lifting and then some cardio to end and then home.

One does not need to be on the edge of death to wake up, but some of us need some help to get in perspective in life. I´m happy I passed through a rough time studying architecture, keeping great grades, developing the best projects, maintaining a relationship together and staying calmed, while having biopsies and tests, treatments and eventually surgery, and more treatment afterwards. I´m glad I took the plane to Istanbul, that turbulence didn´t just shake the plane, it shacked my brain as well, also my heart and certainly my will to enjoy every single minute of the rest of my life, as long or short it shall be.

Cooking Veggie lasagna and running with cherish ones

They say nothing beats the original, I think that applies in so many ways to the reason why we start doing things for us in the first place. Staying true to yourself is a draining endeavor nowadays, all these stimulation and different opinions making us doubt of our motives, making us question our purposes in life.

I wrote about friendship before, that is one true thing I appreciate the most, real friendship. After some years in the dark, some friends have reemerged at some points in time, some of them fade out to blacks in slow motion, almost frame by frame, so slow you are actually aware of what is going on and you stop and feel it, I realized that with some and even then I let it happened. At a point in my life reaching my big 3 0 I started to ask for all the shallow people to move away from the premises of my existence, at first I was hesitant, I would say it convinced but quietly, I got my petition stronger every time, till I actually demanded the unnecessary "friends" to just disappear instantly… And they did, a lot of people I thought to be family suddenly just weren´t there anymore and I thanked for that.

Today I am grateful because mirages of brothers and sisters have left, now friendship is even more valuable to me, life has taught me that I need to see beyond appearances, and sometimes what it seems like a real connection, it´s just a small coalition of souls saying hello on their way to wherever they may go, it is not a bad thing or a good thing, it is just the fortune we have to learn about us and about what we shall and shall not be or do.

Staying true to one´s self is hard but it is priceless to remember what we came to the world for or what we think it is our purpose in life. I know I´m here for the enjoyment of living, to learn through great positive surprises and hard awful recoveries, I have, at times, completely forgotten of who I am and when light strikes like a flipflop thrown by the universe in my face, like a "verdadero chanclaso", I have nothing else but to stop and regroup and start over if necessary… Fortunately that hasn´t been needed too often, only once or twice, I know I have the hability of reinventing myself, but I´m not Madonna and I have to stick to some members of my family… Luckily I mean… For me I mean… although for them as well, I can be a true sunshine when I put my heart to it.

I started a career and I knew it wasn´t my last one but I successfully finished it anyway, being true to myself is acknowledging that I´m a nerd and that I like good grades and feeling relax about the end of the semester, and end things after all; then as I finished I restarted the one would make the "spine" of my working days, and I love it. At some points I thought I was a communist trapped in the body of a almost 20 years old blondish gay guy that loved beautiful things; sometimes I thought I was  a shallow little prick that was meant to be the bad in the story; Other times I thought I was crazy and that everything was caused by an error in the Matrix, now at the end I still walk my path sure of what I like and, although I´m all of the above, I´m also so many things more, and I´m still discovering more angles of me that I didn´t know I had.

All the friends that have left teached me a lesson because of their departure, I may have also detoured my route because of me wanting to walk along with them… Because it was so much fun and because it felt right at the moment. All the lessons learned are kept in the heart and mind and all of the ones that left make the ones that are still in my life even more precious, those that I run with, those that I travel with, those that I plan on biking with, all those that I cook veggie lasagna for (or any dish for that matter), those that I listen to music with, those that I dork with endlessly in person, by phone or chat… all those I feel so fortunate to have and when I set in my status that I´m "Grateful" it is in part because they are part of my existence in this planet.

In the road we are and we bump into each other for a short amount of time or for longer periods. For all the real friends, for all the not so real ones, for the casual acquaintances, for the family and the wonderful surprises I have had on the way I´m grateful, I do not regret stepping into anyone´s life and I certainly have loved every single lesson I had from anyone stepping into mine. From this very moment, in this very seat, under this very light, I have the certainty that I have no idea where I will be in a year from now, and I don´t care. What I know is that I will keep building up myself in all possible ways, trying to keep my mind clear and my wheel on track, I will have fun on the way, but I hope I am at the end of all in a year and forever happily surprised.

I´m ready for my close-up Mr. Demille

Not too far ago (I like to think that way, time is relative after all, right?), I finished studying communication and then started to work in the PR division of the Baja California State´s governor, while working I studied Cinema Production, just because I love cinema and because, I hope, my wish to learn is endless, especially about whatever fills my heart and make my mind work. And the one day I remembered how much I loved to be an architect when I was a child, and then I had to come out of the architecture closet, I wanted to start all over again, not an easy scenario when one´s starting to become independent and also starting to give your pampering parents a breath. Well I did, I told my parents that I wanted to be an architect and they were as loving and supportive as a son could hope, till now I´m infinitely grateful with them for supporting my "change" of career.

After a few months I took of to a place I could feel safe, far enough to be free, but close enough to be able to go at least once a month; "two hours by plane at least" I said, that way my mileage club would reward me enough to be a gold member and I would be forced to stay in focus about not just school, but also about living on my own, cleaning up, running errands, doing laundry, buying groceries and keeping my newly embraced "independence" up to date, all this while becoming an architect, meaning, drawing till next morning, developing projects, writing essays, building models and trying to be the best student possible, I would´t let my parents down for nothing in the world.

Today I read an article about the way a TV show influences one´s expectations, and made me think about the time I got to Architecture School for the first time, and when I moved to a different city and then a show in Showtime started, Queer As Folk, the American/Canadian version, the english one I have to confess I found kind of dark and far from my life in San Diego, although by the time, I had been to Canal Street and Manchester´s gay village in several occasions. All friday nights they would play a new episode, I would love to see two of my closest friends, Marco, Raúl and sometimes Juan Carlos, and we would gather for pizza and salad in this really good place not far from my place, listening to great music and just letting ourselves turn twenty and a couple more while having fun, waiting for the midnight show that, according to mod reviews, was fun and witty, as it was kind of porn and disrupting, my kind of show of course, all those thing I was and I want to think I still am: fun, witty, porn and sometimes disrupting.

I guess the show, Queer As Folk, had the same effect in gay guys that Sex And The City had in girls… and gay guys; in a group of friends one would be the projection of a certain show character and so on, just like in SATC, I remember in one of my trips to New York City, my friend Marina told me that there were a legion of four-gals groups all over town, hanging out in restaurants, bars, clubs and stores acting up like Samantha, Carrie, Charlotte and Miranda, the old clever always-on-Perricone-diet sex addict, the smart undecided I-get´money-from-I-dunno-where shopoholic smoker, the fancy pants insecure prude and the I-secretely-like-to-scissor-other.girls over worked redhead, obviously always trying to keep their personalities… I hope. Well, the same happened with guys, in both cases, there was a Brian for a Samantha, a Ted for a Miranda, a Michael for a Carrie and a Lindsay for a Charlotte, you know well mannered and trying to get a family together before she´s too old; Emmett was another story and I´m for that, he was the cayenne pepper that spiced up the whole thing, or as we would say in spanish "el ajonjolí de todos los moles", meaning, the sesame seed of all the Moles (traditional mexican dish made with chocolate, dried ancho peppers and almonds, among other ingredients), if that makes any sense.

Well, there we were, four guys talking and trying to make sense of being single, only Marco had a committed relationship, the rest of the three were out in the market, feeling happy, but at the same time overwhelmed. I don´t think we were pretending to be ay of the QAF characters, even less the SATC characters, we certainly could have filled all profiles at some points, but in real life real people have more sides than just sex addict, confused, moralist and workaholic, or flamboyant, sometimes we were always all of them separated and in very special disastrous occasions all of them together. And at the end I was doing a friday thing with my friends and watching a show that was about friendship, about guys that likes guys, and girls hat liked girls, and everything around them. Never felt like any of the characters in either show, but loved them both and certainly made me enjoy fiction in TV.

I think TV shows and media in general have a very influential presence in teenagers, well, it did before, now it´s more like video games or manga, or I don´t know what else. But for me life still feels like a TV show, in times a Lifetime Channel tearful drama and some other times like a very funny sitcom. I´m now in the season where I move to Paris and start to have experiences, like stepping in shit every seven feet, tasting Mille Feille, and getting to see the Eiffel Tower and the Sacre Coeur on the daily basis, not so much going to Dior Homme or keep the days wearing the last from the runways, not there yet, I will let you know when I´m vintage YSL and Valentino head to toe.

At the end what comes to mind when thinking about being today where I am and being who I am, is the time when a very close friend was fired from the job he was so safe at, installed completely in the comfort zone being kind of afraid of the unknown, but forced to turnaround his life and surprised by the fact that he had an almost dream job offered afterwards in the place he always wanted, settling a nice pay after the firing and feeling happier and safer today; when all that happened I thought we all always have surprises in store, and either we look for them like easter eggs or are forced to have them smashed in our faces, I felt that everything is like a movie, the movie of life, when you need to shoot a part that feels uncomfortable but that will lead you to prizes and nominations, I remember I felt and still feel intoxicated by happiness of being able to accept what it comes, there are always beginnings and ends, change of setting and wardrobe,  like Sunset Boulevard when the main character is lost in her mind and says "I´m ready for my close-up Mr. Demille…".

Detoxing in Marie Antoinette´s lands or Let them eat cake but make them burn it in the treadmill after

Since I was a child I have been very aware of what I eat and taste. Generally it is about enjoying it too much, I mean, the things I like the most, the flavors make the world a better place. Till I was entering puberty the weight issue was more or less under control, but all of a sudden I started to get thicker and thicker and at some point in my teenage years I was actually kind of fat, not obese whatsoever of course, only thicker that necessary and certainly more than the acceptable for a gay guy turning 15 in the mid 1990s. Fortunately for me, I got to a point after turning my sweet 16 that I spontaneously started to diet and working out, and by the time I was about to 17 and a half I was actually to thin and ready for the dating scene.

The very first boyfriend I had was six years older than me, handsome, ghostly white skin, very fit (his six pack was a sexy thing to contemplate), kind of geeky (on a very attractive way) and extremely jealous of my very straight best friend (a few months younger than me and whom I have always considered my brother since we were 14). He was the first guy I dated in my new shape, we were together for a few months and then I took off to live the rest of my life, we enjoyed each other very much, although I have to confess I was not ready for the commitment he was demanding from me and I was eager to learn even more. After him, I started to travel around the world and absorb as much as possible and keep the lessons well engraved, so I would´t make a mistake more than once… sometimes twice. But the flavors and the hunger for new places, new people and new food has never stopped; here I am now, on a sunday night chronicling disperse stories and turning them into an intelligible whole, after spending an amazing day in the city that has recently embraced me as my home, Paris, France; after having a lavish brunch in a newly found restaurant but with not so much of a boundary about the amount of food; after taking a break and grabbing a bag with stuff and flying to the gym to make up for all the excessive calories ingested, surrounded by beautiful colorful walls and very elaborate wooden framed mirrors, cushioned by old red velvet and waitered by very well mannered "garçons" that speak kind and smile while bringing a very well done burger (no mayo). Now I´m surrounded by beauty and bakery shops with the most amazing variety of breads and pastries, decided to make monday detox day, did it last monday I´m ready to do it tomorrow and I hope my will keeps me hanging on in this purpose and in my, almost daily, commutes to the Gym.

What is this detox about? luckily is a One Day only thing, intense because there´s nothing allowed but vegetables and some fruits to make it a little sweeter and less torturing, but nothing to complain about here really, one day of vegetable shakes and green tea, chamomile and water, really make you feel good the day after, the sacrifice it´s worth it… But I will keep my sexy little tush in the apartment, I don´t know how strong I am for real, there are like 5 pastry shops, countless bakeries, and for Christ sake! This is Paris, there are crepe shops like shit on the sidewalks (that´s not a legend, these frenchies are responsible enough to take their charming canine friends out for walks, but they also are careless pricks with no will to pick up the little pooches tiny mountains of crap, although there are more and more owners starting to bend to pick up doggy shit), don´t want to see if I can fight my crave for croissants or Pain au Chocolate, I really want to feel like I lost a couple of pounds of toxins and I´m two months younger and I have two more day to live… Out of the programmed schedule I mean.

Working out is another story, I love it, while I´m already there, bringing myself to arrive it´s harder than lifting my weight in four series of twelve repetitions and then on again, only the opposite way; but once you´re there you know you were meant to pamper your body with a little sweat and a little effort and then the sauna to sweat and burn more calories and relax after the session. It is hard, I must say the very first times I started to workout while a teenager, it was a bizarre experience, one I didn´t know where to catalogue in my life and brain, the body aches after the first sessions was unknown till then, it is not as if a professional switches training program and feels like having worked some new muscle in the body, no, this is more like a I-have-been-tortured-and-I-have-no-idea-what-happened-but-yes-I-know-and-I-let-myself-fall-in-slow-motion-in-the-fluffly-family-room-couch-and-a-tear-slides-through-my-cheek-then-I-sob-and-ask-myself-again-why kind of feeling, but there I am, hanging on to the will of being healthy and, some times, especially when the summer is just weeks away, because I need to change my DNA information and look better than I usually do.

Will tell you how the Monday Detox went, it is mostly green stuff and lost of will to keep the health sometimes we take for granted. Stay beautiful.

Therapy… A plein soleil

Many things are happening around the planet right as I write, and by the time someone lays eyes in this lines a million others are going to be already part of history, the world seems to get faster by the second, and at first a thought it was due to growing up (and growing a bit old), my perception of time it´s [of course]completely different than when I was a child, days seemed endless then, and a year or two were, literally, a lifetime. Today I´m starting to reconnect with the world, and it is not that I have unplugged myself from technology, just the opposite, it is just that I have recently started to watch the news, current affairs that a few months ago were just stories somebody would comment in a table are now images that hit my head and ears and certainly smash my brain. 

I should start explain why I stopped watching news on the first place, however, for that, just like always, I have to go a bit behind, to build a proper foundation for my story; I´m an architect, and not just that, I studied in a Technological Institute, surrounded by engineers, imagine how important structure is for my fellow colleagues that graduated from the same school. 

The first time I went to therapy was at around 17 years old, that I remember, I think I went as a preschooler, I was a diagnosed hyperactive child, so, I needed to channel energy and also look out for peace I guess, and my parents did their part and took me there, to play with wooden toys and to start building structures, to structure my mind and thus, my life. But the meaningful sessions were at 17, 18, and 19, she was a psychiatrist, not that I was out of control or anything, none of that, it was just that she was recommended and happened to be a therapist that studied psychiatry, I think it was better, she knew a lot more and she never recommended any medication, I mean, I was already taking one since I was like 6, do the math, and I stopped taking it till I was 27, when the doctor said, "OK, from here it´s up to you. Do yoga, run, workout, burn all the energy you need so you can have a good night sleep", and I did, today I´m training for another half marathon in a couple of months and plan to run the Berlin Marathon this year.

My therapy started because I was confused, the first thing that the doctor said was, "this therapy is to help you through whatever you are feeling and don´t know how to deal with. This is just a tool, not a remedy, and if you are gay you will leave this sessions happy and satisfied with yourself, if not, exactly the same. The point is to help you feel sure about whatever you are feeling unsure about", it sounded good for me, and it was, I left that period of therapy with the gay issue completely solved and I was ready to move on to different and more twisted matter, like commitment and the cocooned and indifferent attitude I sometimes had towards some people I knew and were important to me; I´m different know, but at some point I would have adviced you to store anything you needed to keep cold, you know, like a turkey for thanksgiving or a bottle of vodka, in my frozen soul. Really, I know there is a legion of skeptical people about therapy, but for me did wonders.

Along life I have had other therapists in the places I have resided, different "schools" and methodologies, confrontational was harsh, it would rub all my shit right on the face and then the therapist would laugh and would say something like "Ándele que bueno por culero!", kick me when already in the floor (emotionally talking) and then would lift me up, clean me up, help me compose myself and give me a free session of acupuncture, those were the days.

Then I was also with this other therapist that was a sweetheart, jewish, like a mother figure (starting wrong I know), and she would help me deal with the death of my little brother, that happened when I was 6 years old, but that kept buried under tons of really unnecessary topics, al, of them I fortunately melted away in the previous periods of therapy, so, when I arrived to my first appointment I decided I was going to deal with that first, because it was already there, out in the air, nothing to cover it up, and I did, cried my heart out the first sessions, but know I smile every time I think of him, in a healthy loving brotherly way. That issue solved I passed to more dark stuff, that I also got over with.

It was with this therapist that I address one subject that would hurt, not being able to help the entire world, not on a I-Am-Miss-Universe-and-I-Want-Peace-On-Earth sort of way, more like Oh-My-God-I-Live-In-A-Place-Where-Misery-And-Wealth-Cohabit-Shoulder-To-Shoulder-And-I-End-Up-Cashless-Because-I-Give-It-To-All-The-Poor-Kids-That-Come-To-Me-And-Ask-For-Money-To-Eat sort of way. I will not enter in details, I just will say she was pretty helpful, and although I still think there is a huge lack of justice and an awful distribution of wealth in the world, I´m in peace with the roll I need to play in the wheel of fortune of life, being fair with others, but especially with me and who I am in the world. The problem was that every time, after watching the news I would have this knot in my stomach and I would be choked with worry, now sick, but enough to turn my colorful days a bit sepia for the next hour, so she recommended me to stop watching news, reading newspapers (except for the cultural sections and the sunday comics) and getting overwhelmed by the repetition of news on the news channels (after a day of having the same channel on as background music you end up exhausted for the four tragedies they completely massacred into your psyche the last 10 hours). So I did, no news at all, I would read Vanity Fair and Dwell Magazine, and of course I would know about the most important international issues, like hurricanes and earthquakes, but I would not bother with Silvio Berlusconi´s affair with a 17 year old girl, that proceeded into his divorced with a huge millions of euros deal, and his incarcelation for fraud and manipulation of evidence and stuff, I rather read the whole story from the beginning to end, no suspense there, I would release myself from stress, I could only handle Dexter and Mad Men stress, the real one not so much. 

Now after years of ignoring political scandals and the imprisonment of movie stars, social personalities and known people in general I decided to come to the light, or the dark, I´m not quite sure yet, being aware of the mess that politicians, terrorists and other species have done with my planet, it´s just kind of sad, really there is no way to smooth the edges, I do my best to cope with the disaster of weather, poverty and diplomatic relations, I would not dare to give an opinion on that, and I have it, I do, but feels unsafe now with this horrible fact that there are eyes and ears everywhere, and just because some guy with glasses who shall not me named let everybody know about it doesn´t mean it stopped, it just means that we know and that that feeling of being observed wash´t just me crazy with delusions of persecution, it was that I was actually being observed, although I I have to confess that I am the tie that likes to be seen… Is that wrong?

I watch the news and I´m speechless, not only for the lack of air due to the impression, it is that I try to deal with it in silence, no suffering in my life just because someone else was dumb enough to let his or her´s dishonesty out in the sun, "A pleine soleil" like they say in France, or because some news company chose to cover it and made us feel like there was nothing else but that, and that this was our asteroid hitting the planet, an unfaithful president to his mistress with a younger actress was the end of the world. No huh, I rather keep my path, I know there are crumbles of what was an ideal life on earth here and there, but I decide to start building my life as beautiful, fair and colorful as possible, with the tools my parents gave me and the tools I paid for in therapy.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Lift off… A movie review

I suffer from nostalgia, well, I suffer it and enjoy it, the two almost at the same time. One arrives as an odor or a certain sound detonates a thought in my brain and I feel this eager to be somewhere, with someone, doing whatever, of course, all of that I have already done in the past. Odors especially work as ignition for nostalgia with me, also flavors and sounds, when to comes to the first ones they are sudden and often pass quickly. I say I suffer from nostalgia because it feels itchy first and hurts a tiny little bit, but for a fraction of a second, then makes me smile and I start to enjoy, it feels like a breeze of memories that caress every single angle of my life at that moment, and I say moment instead of time on purpose, because is short, like the click of an old Leica camera, that vintage this feeling is, and new, full of motion and flooded with enjoyment. The aftertaste, spongy cake and merengue from my 5th birthday or the smell of vanilla candles and patchoulli mixed with sandal wood oil.

Being nostalgic can be a limitation, but since I´m pretty much invaded by it I decided to turnaround he whole thing and make it an asset, for instance, right now it nostalgia what makes me type and it is this trip to way back in time that becomes the engine of these words. I honestly think it is nostalgia what makes us get in touch with people that we haven't heard from for ages or to wear an awful piece of clothing. Nostalgia can be the plane that takes us to a very pleasant trip as well, I personally let myself being transported and land in the middle of nowhere in the dessert in Jordan on my way to Petra with a new australian friend that says "water" in a funny way, and there I am again, stuck in the road with my sister, Sian, Guillermo and the driver (that can not speak english) at 98 degrees, feeling the sun and not worrying too much about what could happen, because fortunately always everything turns out just fine. I decided make nostalgia a tool, because although it can be enjoyed my itself, nostalgia can also become a tool that intensifies the pleasure of other elements, in this case, a movie, unexpectedly joyful, a true surprise for my personal nostalgia.

The other night I went to the movies, I go as often as possible, it is the movie experience that takes me there, although the prices arise on the weekly basis, to it feels like it at least. I think by now I have to say that I have always loved cinema, since I was little back in my hometown, they would let us play in the stage like area beneath the gigantic white screen and I would do car wheels and stuff, even act as If I was performing, but mostly car wheels and runaround like a headless hen. Anyways, I´ve always enjoyed going to the movies, and this past saturday I went and watch this new Ben Stiller´s new flick, I wasn't expecting depth precisely, but I wanted to have a good time, and this guy usually delivers funny stuff, except when he went all artsy and indie and all, when it turned more grey that deep. To my surprise, I found myself refreshed by a kind of I-want-to-get-serios-here-but-will-keep-it-funny-but-seriously-watch-how-good-of-a-writter-and-director-I-am proposal that I opened my heart to, since the very first minute of the digital super high definition projection (in "Version Originale", that stands for original version, english in this case, with french subtitles, remember I live in Paris now). It seemed a little slow, but since I sort of know that they have to establish the character in general and particular, his pros, cons, defects, virtues, vices, phobias, manias, etc., I kept receptive, good for me I had a good night sleep the night before and the approach was good and not high profile at all, only a bit less speedy than the opening of, lets say, Saving Private Ryan, I mean, you want speed and all, there you go, watch the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan, from then on the movie just slows down little by little, but trust me, that opening is like being thrown out of a plane while having a good night sleep in your bed (picture that, you went to bed in your comfy and safe room and then you suddenly wake up to find yourself falling from a plane at 30,000 feet high). Then the movie moves on to the story itself, a man that has forgotten to work in his dreams while getting settled in the comfort zone that a good job in one of the most iconic publications in the world, a loving mother and sister and the "khaki" shade of the rainbow can provide. Then a detonator that reminds him of who he wanted to be and an adventure to find himself on the way to look for an unknown image, this last one, working as an allegory of the past spirit and lost essence of the main character, this Walter Mitty guy.

I started speaking about nostalgia because that´s what made me enjoy this movie the most, not for an adventure, I have ran my marathons and climbed my mountains, I have performed as extra for an egyptian soap opera and, although my bucket list it´s not even 40% full, I´m content about what I have accomplished of it so far. In this case, nostalgia came from the accords of a song that made me cry the very first time I listened to it, because of the story, that´s about nostalgia, dressed up as courage to face the uncertain, but it is about nostalgia really, of being home cosy having a hot cocoa and ordering pizza, about doing ordinary things safe and surrounded my the loved ones, warm in the walled limits of the kingdom of home. Ground control to Major Tom, and there I go, my eyes shine like the just polished surface of glass or steal, my heart opes even more and Ben has me, maybe corny, but this is my POV, like a script instruction to the camera, this is what I saw through the lens of my very own eyes, Space Oddity setting the mood for the rest of the film.

The script structure is divided in three parts (not strictly but usually), the first part that´s named Approach, the second is named Development of the Story and the third one is the Outcome. These three parts are defined by the Plot Nodes in between each of them, the first one sets up the conflict that will be disentangled along the second part (that´s usually the longest one of the three) to find the second plot node that will reveal all the details that kept in the dark in the first two parts, that way reaching climax and then the end, this last one the closing element of this structure. Well, this movie is not precisely that; the purpose of the climax is to catch with catharsis and release the tension the writer has been causing us to keep along the movie… I found my climax early, I mean, I had two climaxes, but the first one is the one that made my eyes shiny as mercury, while the main character´s love interest starts to sing Space Oddity and plays the guitar, and encourages Walter to keep up with the daring adventure he just started, because this climax works for him as well, as slow as the song is, the power of it gets his motor on and raging, and throws him to the unknown, which will color his "khaki" world with the intensity of the light and as much colors as the world itself.

I´m not very fond of giving stars or thumbs up, I guess every movie is different for each and everyone of us, based on what we have experienced through our paths, we live fiction in a very intimate way, in this case, worked for me, made the time the movie lasted worth every second spent there and every Euro paid. Consider this, only because I think something´s good or bad, does´t mean it will be good or bad for any of you out there, donut be afraid and experience ugly and beautiful, I have always said that one can not appreciate beauty if one haven´t see horrific first. I´d say jump on the helicopter and go on with your adventure, as for me, I will always do it, no matter how frightening perspectives are.

I like to dance when no one´s watching

I do, I love to dance in my room, in the living room, in the hall, anywhere, I also do it when there´s people around, my one and only best friend and I do it often, especially when we sing along in her Wii to the tunes of Glee, we love it.

I have a story from not so long ago, and I say not so long ago because I´m still pretty young, not super young teenager young, but young, at heart, and sometimes of mind, I just loose it and it is as if I´m turning 16 again, picture that, 16 going on my early thirties, but that is a subject for different post, when we know each other a bit better, I will leave the veils of mistery reveal my true colors little by little, in a slow dance. Anyhow, I was saying, I have a story from when I was around 16 or 17, real 17 years old and that´s what it´s about in these few next lines.

During sundays I´m usually lazy and I enjoy it pretty much, it reminds me of when I was little, almost a baby, when life seems to go extremely slow, but in sundays used to feel as if somebody turned the engine off and everything was going on by mere inertia, every five minutes felt like an hour (unlike today). I´m still very lazy today during sundays, take it extra easy that day, I love to workout and that´s it, I also try to make my bed, and I get to it 85% of the times, but I truly savor the other 15%, like a naughty present from me to me. So there was that sunday, when my sister and I woke up very late and no one was home, as usual we played our favorite music, no conflicts attached, we loved almost the same kind of tunes and artists, we played it loud and we started to dance, because no one was watching, only us but we count as one (we are very close), and I would jump and sing and shake my head and every single muscle of my body. By now, I have to clear out that we were in our PJs, it was a mild day with a shiny sun of 2 pm; since our parents house (I would refer to it as "my house", because it is my house and it always will be) is just a few blocks away from the beach, the sun seemed to shimmer even more that spring day, and there we were, dancing in the kitchen with the biggest window facing the street façade, blinds open to limit and glass clear as water that´s filtered trough rocks for ages. My body in motion and the rythm hitting me and lifting me up in the air for a micro second and then I would turn and I would sing louder… God I love to dance and sing… I would think then, and I say it now… then "ding dong", out of our musical bliss and we turned into marble statues… A very close friend, and of course my ultimate Crush with capital C, was in front of the window only feet away from where I was giving my performance, I mean, doing my part, my sister was pretty intense at doing her´s as well, we are fair and a great team, I would never steal her spotlight, although I would not give her mine, we are just a well balanced couple of brother and sister, we always have, we always will hopefully.

I stopped and now that I see it back in time, I picture an awkward expression in my face, eyes wide open, open mouth and then a smile of embarrassment that at 17 feels like a thousand daggers that hit all at once, but instead of killing, they tickle big time and you must release presure and start laughing, as much as a hidroelectric plant when overcharged needs to release a dense cloud of steam … And we laughed, and my, then 14 or 15 years old, sister ran faster than the Roadrunner with the dumb Coyote behind back to her room. Of course I had to stay, I had to not just stay, I had to proceed to open the door and as red as a tomato make my Crush (with capital C) come in and offer a drink and an explanation… Well, more than an explanation, a mumbling that was more a pleed to make the time turn back and remember to close the blinds. At the end we all laughed and eventually that moment turned into a fun memory that will always live in my sister´s mind, as well as mine.

Now we laugh so much about what happened that sunday afternoon when my Crush (still capital C, I would melt for him every time he showed up… although I was very good at playing cool and uniterested) found me dancing like no one was watching and singing out loud, and I still do it, some times without even noticing it, like a couple of weeks ago, when I found my self in the halls of the most amazing grocery store I have ever been to; picture the most wonderful, sophisticated and luxurious department store you´ve ever visited, take all the clothes and mannequins out and fill it up with food and the most beautiful displays of everything that lays in the world to satisfy the sense of taste, to cast a spell in the sense of smell and captivate the most demanding sense of sight… already done? well, I was there, and I took a few liberties with a kind of known song (it is to me), opened my arms to straight horizontal and started to turn while singing "the aisles are alive with the sound of music", for those few seconds every single person in the store vanished and I was alone with my favorite ingredients (I love to cook) and started to dance, to dance like no one was watching in the middle of a crowded day two days before christmas eve in La Grande Epicerie de Paris.

Introduction to wish making in the western world

I always make a wish, as I see the first opportunity for it I go and picture in the corners of my mind, what would be the most desirable act, thing or feeling I would like to perform, posses or have. It is not just material stuff of course, I may be perceived by others like a materialistic kinda guy, but that is not quite right. it is not that I´m too deep to be perceived right, I stand more in the middle, to be fair, I try to be the best possible person my own person can create every day, I commit mistakes and forget stuff, I even lost my wallet a few weeks ago, great mourning and a complete day of watery eyes took me to recover from such despair… and just yesterday, my eyes were distracted from my belongings and a fellow member of the gym I just got into became a burglar (maybe for opportunity, maybe because of habit) and stole my scarf, a precious one my adoptive parents (emotionally I mean, I have my own ones that work just perfect as such) gave me as xmas present a few years ago in Barcelona. Anyway, I was writing about being distracted some times, and yes, but I try to keep up with the demands of the world and of myself, I make wishes because those are the perfect chance to cover voids that I haven´t been able to cover so far, and also because I truly (TRULY) believe they will come true one way or another.

I make wishes when I blow my bday candle (I recently blew this year´s one, and I made a very big wish), when I see a four leaves clover (very rare to find but they actually exist), a shooting star in the middle of the night and whenever I have the chance to do it, I do it especially when I see consecutive numbers, in car plates, the treadmill while jogging, house numbers, locker numbers (in the gym that is) and my iPhone when checking for the time, among plenty more opportunities. Consecutive numbers are just that, anyone could say, just the logical succession of amounts, but not for me, I really don´t know since when, I have seen the number 11:11 when checking at the time, by day and night (silly me to dare using the 24 hours scheme in the clock, I would miss one chance of making a wish, that is, 23:11 does´t count for me). After a long while I realized that this number was being very persistent during my days and weeks, not just in the time of the day by then, but with everything else that could be numbered.

I remember one day not so long ago when I was a teenager, someone told me to make a wish at 11:11, I didn´t ask and went for it, what did I have to loose? nothing at all, on the other hand, I would win the lottery. After making wishes and after realizing that the number 11 was kinda following me, I started to inquire into it more and more, and I found out some curious details: 11 is a master number, "the number 11 symbolizes the potential to push the limitations of the human experience into the stratosphere of the highest spiritual perception; the link between the mortal and the immortal; between man and spirit; between darkness and light; ignorance and enlightenment. That is the ultimate symbolic power of the 11". Kinda dense and ultra spiritual, but at the end, that´s what I found, this is just me quoting, nothing else, and after countless webpages and a couple of books in the matter, I can define 11:11 or 11/11 or 1111, like a hint of the universe letting us know that is paying attention, in that time of the day, well,  is the time when you can speak and be heard, and this does´t mean that the rest of the 1439 minutes of the day we are being ignored, it is just that they are more attentive of our words, actions and thoughts, also, why not, wishes.

So, the meaning of that 1111 in my blog tittle is just that I believe that anything can come true, doesn´t matter how weird and impossible whatever it is that I wish seems at the time. Each and everyone of us can give any connotation to anything, and I really wish right now, starting this blog and finishing today´s post, that all that we all wish that is good for us and does´t affect anyone else, comes true and makes us as happy as we deserve to be.